# 5

To love you is pain
All consuming sickness
I doubt that I am sane
My head has gone so fuck this
In dreams I’m on a bridge
In cold and arms outstretched
Bare feet feel every ridge
I feel intensity, bereft
My love once fearless
Now a cowering beast
The end is near I feel this
I fall to be released
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Snowflake

In a world that is so fractured, is it any wonder there are so many broken people?
Every day we see so much suffering, so much torment, is it any wonder so many people are turning their backs on God? But is it any wonder so many people are looking for God for the same reasons?
We are the broken and the damned.
We are so lost in an unforgiving place.
We aren’t the snowflakes we are labelled as. We are grieving for the world we were promised as children, we are the broken hearted.
This is the price we pay for feeling.

Truth

I’m not a valuable, contributing member of society. I am standing on the periphery looking in at what I could have won like a disappointed game show contestant.
How is it possible to be surrounded by people and still be completely alone? A night out, so normal to most, can be and mostly is a night of carefully trying to navigate a series of potential triggers; triggers that I don’t really understand. Some are a complete surprise, some careless word or glance, some conversation that I find confronting. Nobody knows when this happens, it’s a hidden disturbance. Sometimes I can continue as normal, sometimes this disturbance manifests in my actions. Withdrawal from the conversation, reaching for my phone to concentrate on something else. Dissociation, drifting off into space, disengaging from reality.
I have always taken great care to hide these things from people. Be as neurotypical as possible, because these things, these thoughts I have, scare people. I protect myself from judgement by never getting too close to anyone. Don’t get me wrong there is a pseudo closeness if you like, I give what I want away, but never all of it. You will never get full disclosure from me. I guess that could be perceived as manipulative, if someone feels close to me and it isn’t reciprocated. It is in your best interests not to know everything, and it is in my best interests not to be left vulnerable.
All this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be close to people. Of course I would love to be neurotypical, be involved in life, but that wasn’t who I was destined to be.

Listening to Lamb – Gorecki

Junk

Being like me is difficult, but being someone who cares about me is just as hard, if not harder sometimes. My emotional world is a minefield. Some days, hours, minutes, my mood can change. Not just my mood but my whole personality sometimes, just on natures whim. Some things are funny to me in one moment, or deeply upsetting the next. Things get a bit easier the more you know me, but it’s never truly obvious which Steph you’re going to get. I try to behave the way I believe I should, I’m unfailingly kind which is a credit, but I can be incredibly cruel without meaning to be. To try and hold the reins on the pony that is my brain is to be in a state of constant vigilance. No matter how calm I appear I’m always trying to figure things out. I may be trying to come down from a high, or riding out a particular storm. I may be trying to get close to someone, or be pushing them away. I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right thing. People don’t tend to realise that living in this constant state of flux is exhausting mentally and physically. It’s hard for people to comprehend living this intensely, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
What we need is for you to be straight with us. Never lie, we will work it out. Also don’t worry about trying not to upset us, it’s pretty pointless because we will find a way to upset ourselves without meaning to.

Listening to Neil Young – Harvest moon

Noa

Trigger warning – Suicide

I read today about a 17 year old girl from the Netherlands whose struggle with severe mental ill health including anorexia nervosa led to her tragic death. The news broadcasters have widely reported that she was granted euthanasia by authorities. This isn’t true. After being refused electro shock therapy due to her age, she instead took to her bed and eventually began refusing food or fluids. The decision was made not to force feed her, and palliative care began, where she was surrounded by her family until the day she died.
This has raised many thoughts in my mind since I read about it. I am and always will be an advocate for euthanasia in cases of suffering. I make no apologies for that. A lot of people believe the same, but only when it refers to physical and life limiting conditions. A person should always be in control of their own destiny, that is what freedom truly means. To the people who believe that mental illness should never be included in the criteria for euthanasia, I urge you to consider what suffering really is. To live in a world day by endless day, fighting with your own mind. Some people would suggest that things do get better with the right treatment, that mental illness is fleeting, good and bad. For some, it just doesn’t work that way. For some, it’s a torture that never goes away. Then ask yourself, if it were you, would you want to die alone? Because that’s what happens when you end your own life. Nobody is there to hold your hand, it’s just one final trauma that you face entirely alone. Is that fair? How is it ever fair?

RIP Noa x

Meh

I received a letter today from psychological services. The letter said they needed to do an initial assessment of my needs to establish whether they could help me. I had to call them to confirm I wanted this to go ahead, which I did even though I hate making calls. I am now on an 18 week waiting list just to see if a stranger thinks they can help. My last round of therapy took nearly two years on a waiting list. It just isn’t good enough. Not nearly good enough. It’s not their fault, they can only do what they can with their limited resources. I can only imagine how soul destroying it is for those working in mental health services to know how many of us are so desperate for help, so many of us that will be gone because they couldn’t be there when we needed them. The current system is failing everyone both staff and patients because the government would rather save cash than lives. We live in a society that cares more about stuff than souls. How many more will die before things get any better?